Thursday, March 27, 2014

A Forever Home: Part 1

Finding T's parents was probably the hardest thing I've ever done next to actually placing her in their arms. When finding a forever home for your baby you want to find the best home possible, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little snobbish about the whole process. I wanted that "it" couple who had everything. When it came down to it, none of those "it" things mattered, it really did all come down to a simple feeling.

Before finding T's forever home, I had actually found another couple who I was SURE were meant to be her parents. There names were Wade and Angie. I am choosing not to disclose their names in hope that maybe someone will read this and know who I am talking about so that I might be able to get in touch with them again. When I was pregnant the adoption world was not even close to as open as it is now and all communication was done through the agency. I know their faces thanks to pictures, and am pretty sure they live or did live in Utah, but otherwise I know nothing more about them than their names and that they have two daughters. Although I ended up not choosing them for T's forever home, they helped me in a way no one else ever could. They were a crucial part to my story.

Wade and Angie were seriously the "it" couple. I still remember Angie writing something in their birth parent letter that talked about their house being the "kool-aid" house. They already had two daughters and their home was always open to all the neighborhood kids and their friends. She talked about how knocking rarely happened and kids would just come in and out and that their house was always filled with laughter. I loved this about them. I fell in love with everything about them. We started corresponding.

After a few weeks of correspondence with them they had told me that they had hopes for a little boy in their home, and were quite sure that through prayers and other circumstances that their home was waiting for and meant to have 2 little boys. At this time in my pregnancy I had not yet found out if I was having a boy or a girl, but I distinctly felt a little girl in my presence, and with their news, I knew they were not meant to be T's parents. I was heart broken. I didn't understand why I was led to them, and allowed to love them, if they weren't meant to be. It wasn't until I found T's true parents and forever home that I understood. I think the Lord knew that I needed a road block, and that finding the "it" couple was not the way to go about things. It wasn't about what they had, it was about who they were. While I know that Wade and Angie are probably two very remarkable people, they turned out not to be the remarkable people for me and my sweet baby girl.

This is when I turned to the internet and to start the new search for T's parents. In 100% honesty I had actually scrolled past her parents names 4 or 5 times before I finally clicked on them. I don't know why I was so resistant, and it wasn't until my mom came to visit and sit down to search couples with me that I finally clicked on their names. After reading through their profile, I think we both knew instantly that they were right for me and my baby. I didn't want to jump the gun so quickly this time though, so I wrote their names down on a piece of paper next to several other couples names and put a star next to theirs. That night I think I read their profile 100 more times and shared it with Will. I wanted him to be a part of the picking process, and thankfully he seemed to love them too, specifically the adoptive dad's love for the outdoors and fishing. I can't really tell Will's side of the story, because I am not him, but I don't want to leave out that he was a part of it. I am thankful that he was a part of it.

The next week when I went to see my case worker I told him the news, and told him of the new couple I wished to be T's parents. He promised me he would look up their information and get back to me on their availability as their names were not showing up in the database anymore. I was worried.

Later that afternoon I got a phone call from him and he told me that unfortunately they had been chosen by another girl and were at the time on a "soft hold" through the agency. To my understanding a soft hold meant that they were being looked at by another girl, but placement had not yet gone through. There was a small glimmer of hope left that things might still work out, but I was broken. Why was I led to another family that wasn't going to work out? Why did I have to fall in love with someone and get my heart broken again?

A week went by and there was no word on if the couple I wanted for my baby was available. I went to my weekly therapy session with my case worker and asked him if there was any change in their status. Unfortunately there wasn't. I was defeated. I had another couple in mind and told myself that if things didn't change soon, I would pick this other couple. I can't even remember their names now, they didn't stand out in my heart, or my mind, they were a last resort. That entire week leading up to my session, I prayed, and I cried, and I prayed, and I cried some more. I felt hopeless. I was at my breaking point. The Lord had led me to the decision of adoption, why couldn't I be led to the right couple for my baby?

What happened next can only be explained as a miracle in my mind. I always met with my case worker right before the weekly support group with other expecting girls and birth moms. Before going in to group I had to leave the building to gain my composure. I was in tears and completely distraught with the fact that the couple I had chosen was not available. I wanted them, I knew they were right, but I couldn't have them. I was furious. I didn't understand. After gathering my tears and preparing myself for another group session I walked into the group room a few minutes late. I looked around and my case worker was not in the room. This was odd because he had walked in before me and he usually led the group discussions. After a few minutes of keeping my head down and not really paying attention to what was being said by the other girls, he walked into the room, with a profile in his hands. He came over to me and dropped it on the table. It was them!! T's parents were staring up at me. In a matter of 15 minutes they went from "not available" to AVAILABLE!! Somehow during my time of defeat, this other birthmother who had "chosen" them, changed her mind. I don't know who she is, or what made her change her mind, all I know is why. She changed her mind because this couple was not hers, they were mine. Selfishly and possessively, they were mine.


  1. I cannot tell you how much I love reading your blog! Things I had forgotten….oh my gosh!!! I love you to bits and pieces!!!

  2. Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.