Why now?

I've always been open to the fact that I'm a birthmom. I've never shouted it from the roof tops, but I've never been afraid to share. Ask me a question, and I'll answer it.

Over the past 9 years I've had opportunities to share my story. I've sat on panels, guest blogged for other adoption pages, and sat in group settings surrounded by other girls who too found themselves in the same situation I found myself in the summer of 2004. In all of those settings I've had to cut my story down to the "short version", given only 15-20 minutes to speak, or 2-3 pages to write. There is no way I could ever tell my story in that alloted amount of time. I've been afraid to open myself to the world. I'm afraid of the negativity that I am is sure to come, and I'm afraid of what are truths in my mind, might do to others. I'm tired of being scared.

I've started several blogs and have always failed. I was good at maintaining my family  blog once upon a time, but then instagram happened and I stopped. I began a blog about my journey of "learning to love myself" and although I haven't given up on it entirely, I've struggled with allowing myself to be that open about the inner sufferings of who I am as a person. So why do I think this blog will succeed? I'm not 100% sure it will, but I want to try. I've been inspired by several of my birthmom friends and have seen the growth that has come from them in sharing their stories. I am ready to grow. Some might call it a trend, but I say that's ridiculous. Each of our stories are different. Each of our stories are our own. Maybe no one will read this and maybe no one will care, but I've realized that it is time for me to write it down. It is time for me to let go of all the fears and let my story be heard, even if I'm the only one listening.

I'm not an English major and have never been the best with grammar. I don't believe my story to be better than others, I only know it to be unique and my own. I often find myself trapped in a circle of emotions and often have a major lack of expressing myself properly. My one hope out of all of this is to grow and to find peace amongst myself and in my adoption journey. I've always been confident in my choice of adoption, but that doesn't take away the pain or the struggles that often come with it. I don't just want to talk about the struggles, but I also want to highlight the joys. I want a place to come  back to where I can read and remember that things are good, when times seem tough.

This is where I'll share my story.