Tuesday, March 4, 2014

In the beginning...

It seems impossible to know where to begin. I've never really told my story in it's entirety before. For the sake of it being the "beginning" I guess I should put the disclaimer out there that some names will be changed and locations may not be the same, otherwise my story will be the truth. Or at least the truth from my eyes. 

I placed a little girl for adoption 9 years ago. I have a pretty open relationship with her parents when it comes to communication and being able to share my feelings, otherwise our relationship is what some might consider as "closed" in todays society of adoption norms. I have not seen T since the day I placed her. She was 3 days old. Her life is shared with me through pictures and letters and although at times it is tough, I am sincerely grateful for what her parents have given me. It is for her sake, as well as theirs that I am choosing to keep their names confidential.  

I was 18 years old when I found out I was pregnant. That was back in 2004. I had been dating the birthfather for only 6 months. Before him I had dated the same guy off and on for almost 3 years. He was who I thought to be the love of my life. When we went our separate ways, we went on a not so good note. I was broken. During that time I dragged another guy down into the dirt with me. He was not one of the other 2 previously mentioned. He was amazing and kind and one of my dearest friends. I treated him poorly, and he did not deserve it. I wish I could go back on that time. To change the way I treated him. But that's another story. 

For the sake of story telling I suppose these guys should have names. I know who I am talking about as I write about them, but again for confidential purposes I will change their names. The guy I had been dating for 6 months before finding out I was pregnant, we will call him Will, he is the birthfather. For now, his name is enough. After all, he's the main guy in the beginning of this story. 

Will was only 16. I can't explain to you why I dated such a younger guy, all I can say is he made me feel special. After coming out of my previous 3 year relationship, I needed someone to make me feel special. Reading that now the term "needed" sounds terrible, but at the time, it was how I felt. I wish I would have found ground on my own two feet. I wish I never would have felt like I needed a guy to hold me up and make me feel better than I thought I was. It was through the beginning parts of my adoption journey that I began to learn that I was better and that I deserved better. 

I had just graduated high school when I found out about the pregnancy. Abortion was never an option for me. Will and I had gone our separate ways in our relationship but remained friends. He was supportive from the beginning, or as supportive as a 16 yr old boy could be. I don't think I ever gave him enough credit for how much he was there. I wish I knew his side of things in their entirety, but that's his story to share. We knew we couldn't be parents, but the choice of adoption didn't come to us until 4 or 5 months into the pregnancy. I had always known about adoption, but I was set on being a single mom. 

I graduated from high school with the idea of moving away to college and starting life out on my own. When I started being sexually active in my relationship with Will I never thought anyone would ever need to know about it. We knew we weren't meant to be forever (I like to think I thought we were) but reality is, we weren't. I never imagined that the first big thing to happen to me after high school would be pregnancy. I laugh at myself as I type the words "happen to me". It didn't just happen to me, I caused it to happen. I thought I was being careful, obviously I wasn't. I was supposed to start school in the fall, I was supposed to be a carefree college student with classes, and football games, and late nights out with my friends ahead of me. I couldn't think about any of those things anymore. There was something else, someone else, stopping me. I now had a major life decision to make, and I had no idea what I was going to do. 

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