Thursday, March 6, 2014


I often look back on my life and think about the "what ifs" and "how comes". It's quite silly actually considering there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the things that have already passed, and the simple fact that I truly love my life today. Perhaps I do it to remind myself to be smarter, to make the right decisions now, or perhaps it's just my natural way of thinking, of wondering how life might be. Two things are for certain, it wouldn't be the same, and I wouldn't want it to be any other way. 

Before getting in a relationship with Will, I was in a previous relationship with the same boy for nearly 3 years. He was one of my brothers best friends and had been our entire childhood. I think I had a crush on him always. His family had moved away from our home town for a few years and I had pretty much forgotten about him until they ended up moving back my sophomore year of high school. I'm pretty sure I fell for him instantly. 

He was a fellow member of my church. I remember our first day of seminary together I asked him to go to lunch with me. I had never been that straight forward with a boy. We started dating a few weeks later. Our relationship was off and on for the next 3 years. We had our ups and our downs, but we always ended coming back to one another. Without going into all the details, I was positive I was going to marry him. He was a good kid, from a good family, and we fit together. We were that couple, we were going to be the surviving high school sweethearts who made it. Then the time came for him to go on a mission. He was a year older than me so when I was a senior he had already graduated and gone away to college. Our relationship changed once he moved. We both were finding ourselves outside from one another. I was still sure I was going to marry him. I was going to wait for him during those 2 years he was away on his mission, and we were going to find one another again. All of that changed the day I received his letter. 

I can't tell you exactly what that letter said, but I can tell you that it broke me. To sum it up he basically told me I wasn't good enough. That he didn't want me to wait for him, and that I should move on with my life. It's stupid really how much I let his opinion of me shake me. I took it to an entirely new level of low. 

This was my starting point. My breaking point. I for sure had made mistakes in the past, but it was in that time that I told myself "he thinks I'm not good enough, well I'm going to be "not good enough"". I was stupid. 

Enter Will. While I was stupid in SO many of the decisions I was making, I don't think dating Will was one of them. We were both naive, and we both made mistakes, but we were friends, and we cared for each other. During that time in my life he was the only one who just let me be me. I never felt like he was judging me or expecting me to be someone I wasn't. Being with someone so easy going though makes it very easy to be "easy going." Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would allow myself to give my virginity before marriage, and certainly I never thought it would be with someone I had just started dating. Will and I were only together a total of 7 months and compared to my previous relationship, this was not a long time at all. My heart was still healing from losing the person I thought to be the love of my life. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and it was stupid. It wasn't fair to Will. It wasn't fair to myself. If I could go back, if I could change things, I wish I wouldn't have depended so fully on someone else to make me feel whole. 

I remember the night it happened for the first time like it was yesterday. I hate that I remember it. I cried after it happened. Not later that night, not the next day, like immediately right after it happened. I knew I had made a mistake. I'm ashamed to say I continued to make the same mistake. Eventually my mistakes would be made visible to the world. I couldn't hide behind my pain anymore. I couldn't pretend like it was all ok. I think I allowed myself to think it was okay because I was hurting, because I was aching. Eventually the mistake became a habit and I was numb to what I was doing.  Eventually, I ended up pregnant. 

Ending up pregnant turned out to be my greatest blessing. I talk about going back and changing things, but I don't know if I would change that. Of course I never wanted to be pregnant at 18, of course I wish I could have learned the lessons I did without having to be hit with such a life altering situation, but without it, T wouldn't be in this world. I am so beyond blessed that T is in this world! I've always said that trials are blessings in disguise, and it was my trial of being broken that led me to her. 

It's a hard circumstance to explain. So many families can't be families without adoption, but how can their be adoption without unplanned pregnancies? In no way do I condone teen pregnancy or sex before marriage, but I also don't deny that MAJOR blessings can come from these circumstances. My own family, outside of my own personal story, has been blessed by adoption. Without the unplanned pregnancy of a young girl in Georgia, my sister wouldn't have her son. This situation is the same for SO many families. Is it crazy to say that I am thankful for being broken? Is it crazy for me to say that I am thankful to have been a part of something bigger than myself by getting pregnant at 18 and choosing to place my child for adoption? Is it crazy to be thankful for my mistakes? If it is, well then I'm crazy.  

I'm not naive though. I won't pretend that with all the blessings, there weren't also a lot of tears. There has been so much heartache, so many late nights wondering, not understanding. That's an entire post of it's own though. A post for another day. 

1 comment:

  1. I love you Amanda! This is seriously awesome. I love your story, and I love now hearing it in its entirety!